If you’re asking yourself that question, then somewhere within you, must be the desire to forgive the other person. After all, if you knew 100% for sure without doubts that you definitely should NOT forgive, then you wouldn’t be entertaining the question, right?

You would have already said your goodbyes and would be moving on with your new life and licking your wounds.

The first thing you need to look at above and beyond all else is your spouse’s character. Does he have a history of cheating on you? Is he too self-centered to deny himself whatever pleasures come along? Does he mean well but weak in controlling his body? Unless your spouse is incredibly ugly, he will face temptation some time during his life. Saying no is all about having self control, willpower, self-discipline, and the ability to truly care about another person’s feelings.

Let’s assume for whatever reason that you have decided that yes your partner has the ability to be faithful and this was a one time indiscretion. You now need to look at why he did what he did. Motivation is more important than the act itself. If you know why he cheated, then it’s possible to avoid having the same triggers repeated.

Were you emotionally and physically distant for so long that you may as well have pushed them into finding love elsewhere? We are a love hungry species. Our spirits die when we do not feel loved. The body will follow. You’ve heard of the old couples who die within a short time of each other. You’ve also seen the studies they’ve done with the baby monkeys who don’t thrive and grow without their mamas. It’s that way even with us human beings. Love is our supreme motivator. So look at what caused the infidelity. If you can honestly say that yes you were completely loving and supportive and he cheated anyway, then you must ask for Grace to forgive. If he gives you some other reason that makes absolute sense to you and you can truly see it as a forgivable reason, then so be it. Forgive him.

The next thing to evaluate is what is at stake. What kind of a life have you built together and what does it mean to you? Do you have children together? A long marriage? A business and material wealth? That’s something that you alone can answer. Is the money, the marriage, the children worth a lifetime of being cheated on? You decide.

As you know, there are plenty of reasons to choose not to forgive and forget. But what if you have created a long beautiful life together and your partner is a wonderful parent to your children? The bible may tell us to turn the other cheek, but how? How do you do it? There’s a big difference between saying, “I forgive you” on a generic spiritual level and saying, “I forgive you” on a personal heart to heart level. The key to real forgiveness must involve trust. At some level you have to really believe in your heart of hearts that you can trust this person to never ever repeat such a painful act again. If you don’t really believe that, then you aren’t really going to forgive them and the underlying resentment will eat away at whatever is left of the foundation of your relationship.

I believe that the most important barometer of how easy or hard it is to forgive is how he behaves after the event. Does he browbeat you with comments like, “Look I said I’m sorry. Get over it already.” or his he beating himself up for having caused you this pain? Is He offering to jump through hoops to prove to you that they have learned a horrible lesson and will make damn sure it never happens again? The intensity of their apology and their willingness to allow you to feel the pain of it will have a direct impact on your ability to heal from the infidelity and on their ability to rebuild trust in your eyes. If he demands that you simply trust him on his word and he has done nothing to show you he is taking full responsibility for the broken trust, then seek Pastoral counsel.

Culled from

Skye Thomas, Tomorrow’s Edge